Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
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Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah
Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation
Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book
Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree
Me: Waldo you rascal!
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.