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“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
no one:
absolutely no one:
my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it
I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.
“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
I saw nothing
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.
iPhone X
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert