“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
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My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
The A string on my guit_r is flat
My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.
Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?
Me: Obviously.
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′
[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”
I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.
[first episode of tv show]
Guy: Hi
Guy’s friend of 25 years: You’ve been my friend for 25 years
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
Mhm.
[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY
On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.
Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
Drive as I say, not as I drive.