*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*
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Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Him:
Me: 3 dozen?
Him:
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award
Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.