“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
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“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.
Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard
reviewed some movies recently
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.
My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
[himalayan monastery]
me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!
dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.
Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.