ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
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Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
*weighs self after shaving
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
{Pixar Meet & Greet}
Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them
MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long
ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
Dead sexy!!
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.