4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.
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cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.
Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
My wife has the worst taste in men.
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”
last night in a voiceover session
me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that
when I was 12 or so my babysitter would always talk about this girl she used to babysit—how cool she was, how much she missed her—and it made me hate this girl out of pure childish jealously bc I wanted my babysitter to think *I* was cool. the other girl was Emma Stone however
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.
I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?