50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
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Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.
if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
[eye doctor’s office]
receptionist: do you have vision insurance
me: yup *hands over card*
receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate
me: but my eyes are in my body
receptionist:
me: and they’re unhealthy
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
Don’t touch that.
Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off
DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles