[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
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[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we’re married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.
[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”