Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
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grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
#titanic
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.
I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
need a new bf mines broken 😐
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]
I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
How do dragons blow out candles?
5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.
Me: OK
5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!
Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*
5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.
Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.