Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
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Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night
Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.
So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.