Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
You Might Also Like
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.
But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
[Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.
[garden]
tomato plant: how’s your summer?
pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year
tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-
ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.