[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
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This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.ME IN 2022:
Oh.
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
😂🤣😂🤣
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all
*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few
[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.