Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?
Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?
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bias laundering edition
PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?
ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this.
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this