The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
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I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*
EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*
me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?
Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!
Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?
[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]
Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand