If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
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Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
Me: Which cup do you want?
2-year-old: That one!
Me: Let’s pick a different one.
2-year-old: No!
*drinks milk from a shot glass*
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
still the best tweet of the year by far
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
I feel seen.
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the name of the woods where robin hood hid out with his merry men?
BUBBA: sherwood forest
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the n
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom