My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory
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Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
The three genders.
Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
That’s easy for you to say
People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Lambs: “Baaaa!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Lambs: “…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”
im all 3
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.
Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out