*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
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The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.Oh.
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
*Sweeping the floor
Lower back: “Time to go out!”
Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”
Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”
*cries hunchbackedly
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
[1st day working at bank]
BOSS: What are you doing??
ME: I gave that man a personal loan.
BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
Leia: I love you.
Han: I know.
[gets frozen in carbonite]
[two years pass]
[gets unfrozen]
Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…
…unless it’s 3am…
…and it’s coming from your roof.
Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.