i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
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Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?
Son: *looks puzzled* The what?
Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.
Son:
Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.
Son: Oh that.
[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you
I have questions??
[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY
i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”
Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*
Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?
6: My boyfriend.
Me: Give it back.
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo
Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂
Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate