*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
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cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.
My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.
Trickle down treatonomics.
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”
It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”
Every work call, he judges.
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.