Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
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I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.
*wipes chocolate from mouth
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
I’m cat sitting for my daughter, and she sent me three pages of instructions, along with a video tutorial. Anyways, what’s a cat? She never specified that part.
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.
Dr: You’ve gained some weight
Me: You said I should take it easy
Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick
Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER
reduce, reuse, recycle
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect