Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
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*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor