I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
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STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…
My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12
exciting texts to get from your friends
• “can I tell you something petty”
• “you are not gonna believe who I just saw”
• “this is going to sound ridiculous but”
• “ok so”
• just your name in all caps and then the typing bubble up for a long time
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.
Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.
Daughter:
Me: [turns off light] goodnight.
The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
Finally! 😈
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]
Me: Oh no.
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars