Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
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Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks
Condescending:
(adj) showing patronizing superiority
(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Voldemort: wh-what
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
We’re all getting idioter.
It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.
Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.
JOHN: Dad, we know.
OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.
GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.