I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
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Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees
For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.
[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”
*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
#Caturday
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows