Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
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“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.
“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
When I pack too much for a short trip.
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars