WIFE: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?
WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece
ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?
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*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*
Me: leave
CW: why?
Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?
wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love[the next day]
coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*
me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.
only writing recipes in wordart from now on
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
I have never heard an armadillo before.
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
me: I quit my job as a waiter
wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?
me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda