New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
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It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.
Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.
Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia
Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-
Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Ugh, please just take me home
Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS
I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
God: you’re a decapod.
Crab: what does that mean?
God: it means you have 10 legs.
Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.
God: at least you don’t have a hundred.
Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?
Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.
Me: I just got hit
911: are you ok
Me: with a car
911: oh my gosh
Me: a toy car
911: oh why did u call us then
Me: its now sticking out of my skull