The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
You Might Also Like
YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her
Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
flight attendant: would you like two peanuts
me: please
fa: thimble of soda
me: ok
fa: move your seat back 1/8″
me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury
John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice
Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-
John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs