My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
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Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike:
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF
Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]
Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME
*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”
The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!
I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“
Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?