The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
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The booster protects against what, now?
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.
Remember folks 😂
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
We’re all getting idioter.
[canadians at you, canadianly]
Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.
TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
The hardest thing Vision has to do
FRIEND: wanna come over?
ME: what’s your dog up to?
FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-
ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
Every photo I’m tagged in