I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
You Might Also Like
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
(Creating Atheists)
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
interviewer: we just have one concern
me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought
interviewer: well it is now
interviewer 2: holy shit
interviewer 3: awesome
[first day in prison]
me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open
guard: what
[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-
me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
[at the salad bar]
Me: [gets one piece of lettuce]
[adds cottage cheese]
[adds more cottage cheese]
[adds even more cottage cheese]
[throws a $100 bill at the cashier and leaves with salad on a forklift]
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.