A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
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Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls
Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes
Me: why
Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”
I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!
Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash