Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
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me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
we did it you guys we saved daylight
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
Head Chef: You’re fired.
Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-
Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.
Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am
Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are
Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.