Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
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I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear
prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news
i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
[first day on the job at a mattress store]
Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.
Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”
Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”
My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”
tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee
[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see
I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi