Try and stop me.
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I am patiently waiting for your email
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
[Clown College]
Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-
Pennywise: *raising hand*
Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?
Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”
So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶
alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.