[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
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Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
Him: SHE SAID YES!!
Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing
Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.
Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*
asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER
Sell your car
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one