Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.
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Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
my first dose meeting my second
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute
Angel: how will humans start out?
God: small and helpless
Angel: how will they end up?
God: big and helpless
Angel: in between?
God: totally clueless
Angel: what is your deal man?
[playing checkers]
him: king me
me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.
If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.