If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
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Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”
Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security