My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
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Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
lol
If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?
Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?
Me: oh.
Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody caressaying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant
We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.