Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.
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Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
¯_(ツ)_/¯
NETFLIX: Skip intro?
ME: Yes.
NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.
ME: Should…should I not skip it?
NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.
ME: Okay, skip intro.
NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
Couldn’t finish the London Marathon. Gutted. Tried my absolute best. Just too tired. Maybe I’ll manage it next year.
Have put a film on instead.
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.– Frank Piñata
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:
NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY
NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.
rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator