Ocean’s 45:
The group gets bigger each heist
It’s too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail
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Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.
#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?