[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD
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I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
I hope Alan is OK
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
The sun is 100% solar-powered.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰