Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
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Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
Me: Is…is this a toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Why did you hand me a toenail?
Kid: Because I want to take it home
Me: Is it YOUR toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Throw it out, please
Kid: No, it’s a part of me
Me: Do you save all your toenails?
Kid: No…should I?!
Me: DEAR GOD, NO!
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.
-me, to my cheese and crackers.
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.