My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
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“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
channeling her this year
Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.
Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
My text: Have a good day at school!
My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay
DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.
Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.