Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
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Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself
Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?
Me : I’m kind of AMPED.
Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you
Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.
SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years
Me: punching a goose in its mouth
Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position
Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
Fwiw it’s worth I’ve never assumed that Popeye was human, I believe he is a weird shaved animal that sorta-talks ?
The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
Me: We will leave in a little bit
8: After you put your makeup on?
Me: I have my makeup on!
8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown