me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
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It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
Barber: What would you like today?
Me: Make me look attractive.
Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….