Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
You Might Also Like
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.
Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop
Son: Why
[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]
Me: He’s a racist
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.
When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”
Perfection.
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.