Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world
You Might Also Like
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
Perfect
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait
FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?
ME: Nice to meet you.
BOSS: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.
Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?
Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?
Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
[job interview]
Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!
Her: Do we have any chicken stock?
Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
[1st date]
HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency
HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!~Me. Speed dating.