Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run
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me refusing to leave twitter
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?
M: No, they’re never about people I know.
*writes another tweet about him*
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
interviewer: why’d you leave your last job
me: i heard a loud noise
interviewer: wow what was it
me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy